Who am I?
I am quiet. I am messy. I can’t clean house very well. I live in NE now and grew up in Saint Paul, MN
I love poetry, cats, music, deep thoughts and diving into my rich introverted inner world. I love to paint owls…
In MN growing up in the 80’s, left to my imagination, left to myself. I hurt easily for needs of others, especially in film or book . Yet I didn’t listen or connect to my sister or brother or dad in real life …
I had no belief in God, just a love of camping trips, I saw the northern lights once. And after watching Nutcracker one time I was ovejoyed to meet the king rat.
I held my feelings in behind a shield that would erupt after 60 mil things bothered me. I was so afraid of the truth of being me I lied and was afraid to be seen and terrified more of never being known… known and loved.
I started college at Boston University in 1991 and fell in love with God and was finally known n loved…
My view of others lived experiences I am embarrassed to admit was color blind and while at the time I had and still have a merciful caring deep heart also I was complicit as this author so aptly describes:
Then in my 20’s I built true friendships and at the same time never got deep or asked these friends who lacked my white privilege what they needed or saw my role in the need. I definitely didn’t recognize or see the need to change system…
In my thirties I found true love and it brought me to Omaha…to my John…to marriage late, to kids..to true suffering and the need to hunker. This doesn’t excuse my unopened eyes…simply the truth that white folk can be merciful, good hearted, deeply kind, deeply suffering and still complicit and comfortable in silence. I loved individuals and still didn’t own my white privilege. I saw the hurt of the system based on misinformation and assumed I couldn’t do anything or assumed I couldn’t do more than my family needed. I just didn’t fully get who is my family.
Then I cried out for wisdom… and during training to become a Restorative Practices Keeper an example of how the Circle Process could be applied was shared: honest difficult conversations on white privilege. I started to wrestle with it that quiet night in Des Moines, Iowa…
Both my brain and my heart felt the conflicts between the desire to be open, be challenged, not inflict pain by silence and the desire to not give up all ground against self hate internally.. .big inner critic… and not wanting to hate myself for the skin I wear. How to reconcile the shame of what our ancestors did to truthful needs of others still oppressed and my given advantage? Sitting with the discomfort of the sufferings of others as my lense expands: everyone is my family moves me past my silence. What would I do to protect my family, now that I have so many more brothers and sisters?
I found genuine faith in the God of love in 1991, and that love deepened when becoming a first time parent, advocating for my children. I begin to have the eyes of my heart and mind opened to the God of mercy and realized all along God is a god who cares and hopes others will join him in working against injustice .. God is a god who cares deeply for justice…
In His Word and through a friend I realized I do not have to be ashamed for being me, part of which is white and I can also validate the truth of the guilt of the acts of white community before me. I can be overwhelmed and also embrace the privilege of the greater power society has conferred on me without me earning power from soc just because I am white.
I didn’t earn it, I have choices with it: Choices to use it, stay hidden and just protect myself. I can deny it’s there though society still gives me privileges so natural I don’t realize no one else has it until I really listen to them… really know as well as I can… and realize I have never had to experience that suffering, that unfairness. I humbly know I will never fully experience it so I trust and believe them… when I know a story, a live lived not my own, then I begin to slowly grasp all I have been given by current society without earning it. I may have earned other things by hard work. I still have scars from true suffering… none of those came because of my skin and if they did… prejudice and bias would be the reasons not racism. Only those conferred with societal power can do racist acts.
And finally I can finish the denial, anger, bargaining stages of grief around what is my white identity and I can grieve with white accountability friendships, my journal, my therapist. I can choose to be private not public with my authentic white woman tears. I can grieve for those I hurt because I was oblivious and mistaught. I can grieve for those suffering under racial policies based on misinformation and fear. I can grieve deeply for Breonna who was saving life in the middle of death, killed by cops who on misinformation had the wrong door, and the jury cared more for a wall than her life.
Misinformation is being used now against her boyfriend to smear his name and justify killing a human being. I can grieve at the horror…sit with the uncomfortable truths I learn daily on how deeply culture saturates all of us…. those getting directly oppressed and those of us benefiting consciously or not and those deliberately upholding the system. The messaging of this white supremacy culture is toxic to all of us… impeding, impacting our connection to our own humanity, to being able to recognize and see the humanity in one another.
I can begin to self educate, learning and remembering it is my heart not just my mind I need to open. Because my faith gives me grace I can acknowledge I have been doing racist acts by being color blind and doing nothing. Because of grace i can admit to getting it wrong. I don’t have to live in shame or identify as a racist because I am so much more than that…so too is the black girl.. so much more human than just the color of her melanin , even as she is a queen and it is a vital part of herself.
However just like Spidey learned “with great power comes great responsibility”. I am not a super hero.. even if i had influence on the office of the President and could get the best bills and Congress to act or to imbue empathy into the heart of others , even if I sacrificed authentically, all of this work wouldn’t make me a hero. This is the least that I can do to pay up the debt my forefathers racked up. Those hurting under the racial yoke of injustice don’t need a white savior: they need to know I, we and our culture, our systems sees them as human, worthy of being, worth given dignity, that we don’t have to buy into the misinformation of the culture of scarcity (see Brene Brown ) and the denial of the Power of Vulnerability (Brene Brown) rather we can listen fully, deeply. We can believe. We can listen. We can practice radical empathy with one another. We can grieve for what brought us here. We can validate that white voices have been centered and we can leave the center and join the circle. We can circle up, no longer the weight of the center on our backs, we can let values, intentional values such as as compassion, collaboration, appreciation, everyone is needed for all to thrive guide our community interactions forward to a truly inclusive world. We can have a voice at the circle, just not the only one. In the words of my friend, ” Don’t feel bad for being white. Just use it for the good of those without privilege”.
What is White Privilege?
I never knew until I heard the stories of those impacted by racism, the trauma of others who in their emotional work and vulnerability have given us gifts. For my story is my truth however your story could be my wisdom if i let it into my heart, my soul…
I urge you who aren’t sure.. just go through a White Privilege Checklist.
Take it in a safe and private place and listen to your heart, mind and body: What anything comes up? Be honest. Know you might need space to be uncomfortable, to grieve, be afraid and do it anyways. It is freeing because you don’t have to prove you don’t struggle with race. You can get real in acknowledging there’s sufferings BIPOC go through white privileged folk don’t right now.
I have never been asked to have my hair touched. I can recognize the deep hurt and dehumanizing when humans in the Black community are asked that question by listening to “You Can’t Touch My Hair” by Phoebe Robinson. This empathy is only my beginning, because I listen and believe means only there is so much more I don’t know and don’t go through, it doesn’t make me an expert or knowing what she goes through. It does move my heart to not do it EVER … to train my family n my white people circle… and to look for local org trusted by their communities working on hair for example:
One of their five policy and advocacy agenda items is to “Ban natural hair discrimination in workplaces and schools”in NE.
I can use my white privilege to contact persistently our unicameral who is definitely majority white. I can learn and ask around my job to see if any one hasn’t been supported. I can encourage my other WP friends to pay attention at their jobs to policies, to instances, comments by HR. I can push hard at OPS(Omaha Public School District) as a parent to get transparency, truth and work for policy change. If I make any current white privilege connections of those I know with local power I will connect them to the leaders of this group. I can invite negative commenters to learn curiosity with out shame. Shame never gets the job done in making cultural shifts or changes to individuals or systems. Shame leads to a hiding of the actions, a denial. Shame shuts down individuals, perhaps the one who would tip and make the shift happen. Rather I look to accountability (not punitive) just an honest openness to diagnose the harm, the wounding, to see what’s needed to heal, collectively and individually.
I can invite support from me and others with the means to spaces that because the current racial trauma is living, not ended, need financial support such as local places as Harriet’s Dream.
Harriet’s Dream℠ LLC – Afrocentric Mental Health and Racial Trauma Healing Center for Black Women
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Being white I will respect that these spaces are only for Black women for their healing and renewal and self care. They need non white spaces to heal to be free until a time as no one privilege exists in our culture. Anyone can buy a scholarship for those that need it. Another use for good is I can start and have started creating anti racist. I use my skills to vet info and to encourage folk to take time to learn nuance and depth of so many of these stories, needs and ways forward.
In my journey I lean on my faith, take time out for self care. I rely on reflection and my skills, stories, mentors and training in the field of mediation, facilitation, Restorative Practices to be an active, deep listening, to strive towards radical empathy, to teach others the negotiables and non negotables of reconciliation, seeing humanity, power of words, danger of fear, power in vulnerability; especially when done in Circle and the power that Restorative practices rooted in intentional values, relationships and long term view have to create potential in transforming cultural shifts to equity that doesn’t leave or shame anyone, even the ones doing harm since their humanity is at stake too.
I can stand and daily try to do good, daily see more of the toxic smog we inhale of our toxic white supremacy culture and cleanse my body. I can try again to intentionally think through my acts, choices; begin to see how better choices can help others better and see opportunities. I can discern when to speak out, speak with, lift another’s voice and when to keep quiet. How to sit with discomfort of a changing world of cultural shifts. After all, as Springsteen said ” nobody wins unless everybody wins”.
Culture was always meant to change. We have a chance to guide the change for good of all especially with the unearned power conferred unfairly. It’s the least I can do is work it to benefit of BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) . Do I ignore myself or self care? No. That’s a part of me that sees my own humanity and needs to self. If i have what I need, what am I doing to help others get what they need? I don’t believe in the culture of scarcity(that’s based on misinformation) that our culture currently messages us. I see a different potential, that we could live in a place of vast potential. in order to do so we must let go of misinformation, fear. We must give ourselves and others grace to not get it right in trying to use white privilege for good. We can choose to be quick to listen, slow to speak….we can listen for empathy, to be empathy, to remembering as soon as we know more it makes us see how much we don’t know not to lord our new info over another. We can get vulnerable in reflection and decisions we (who hold white privilege) can see was hurtful directly or indirectly against others that was rooted in our white privilege. We can admit, grieve, learn from and do better, especially by listening to those most impacted.
Ultimately, we can be curious to why we feel uncomfortable? Curious to what’s the impact on others? Curious to what’s the reason the system still has power on system level ? Curiosity’s wisdom teaches us that asking questions is the place to start growing and healing to be intentional about daily decisions and clear ourselves of the toxic messaging we breath in daily from culture about who belongs? Whose a problem? Whose allowed to have problems?
And secondly we can be present. Are we present to what emotional things come up when we want to turn away? Feel overwhelmed? Afraid to make it worse? Struggling with our identity?
All I know now is I can’t be silent in the face of another’s pain…especially the pain built on unearned privilege, racial messaging and unfairness… all I can see are faces of folk that it could have been… faces that true brothers and sisters to me… faces of my own humanity.
All I know is I can’t be silent any more despite the fear of being wrong, being challenged, hurting through my lack of knowledge, tendency to think I don’t have power, my own life needs which are valid. All I risk though pales by comparison as I risk my reputation and if I had fulltime job and folk that need our collaboration, they risk their lives just by living daily life. They are at even greater risk when advocating for being able to live their life without threats of death, jail or harm from a fellow human being. They are both heros, in trauma, hurt and yet I need to be careful not to see them only through that lense. They are folk with a unique specific need of social and cultural and systematic support until the system changes. And also they are human, individual with their own unique and beautiful stories, processing their own individual and generational racial truths and when I have earned the right to hear their stories, still I only know a bit in the river of their experience. I only skated on the surface, so much nuance, complexity and true experience I will never know, doesn’t stop be from trying to gain as much radical empathy as I can. Sometimes the best way to honor, isn’t to speak for, just to listen and be in awe of the heart of humanity singing forth.
Dangers of Misinformation:
7 Powerful Poems About Injustice & Racial Discrimination
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The misinformation about who she, as Black is expected to be, the music she is expected to know, is deeply hurtful. We make folk invisible, disconnect from their humanity and then punish them for doing things to throw off our smoggy white supremacy culture view and unjust treatments by those who ignore their white privilege power or use it for bad or out of their fear.
What Are Some of the Impacts of Misinformation?
Fear. Decisions, policies, macro/micro interactions, aggressions, justifications for lack of accountability, especially between police shootings of Black, Indigenous, People of Color on who gets to be justified for shooting in “fear of their life” and who doesn’t, who lives and who dies.
And fear blocks empathy, connection, makes it so hard to hold on to my humanity much less see the true humanity . And by humanity I mean the range, that we are all allowed and do make mistakes, that we feel things, that we have needs, needs of connection and of love. that when we live in fear to protect that which we love, it is a human drive, and yet my thinking it’s either me or you is simplistic and not true. We don’t have to buy into a scarcity culture Brene Brown refers to in her Power of Vulnerability book, instead we can believe there is enough power, enough resources, enough for everyone and for the good of the whole community.
Misinformation feeds the refusal to see that you have White Privilege and how much good you can do it with it. Misinformation denies humanity and connection between folk. Misinformation slays the potential of that person to add to common good, it harms adults and especially harms in lasting trauma. Misinformation produces and perpetuates living trauma, trauma without an end. Misinformation creates, sustains and celebrates gaslighting, which isn’t only contained to traumatizing online. It leads to the jogging stories, to court cases with more than enough evidence turning a blind eye to proving racial discrimination (see Michelle Alexander’s The New Jim Crow). and through all of this trauma, the grief of trauma unacknowledged, especially black girls and discipline in class rooms.
The Untold Stories Of Black Girls
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Worst part of misinformation is it shuts the door on being present and being curious. We throw up the false shield of fear without realizing it won’t protect us anyway. Curiousity, which leads to openly sharing stories, builds connection, deepens connection and creates innovative possibilities and solutions to the current societal challenges facing everyone today. Situations and social needs are so complex. so intertwined it’s critical to examine and we need to know full story, whose been telling us our history. whose interests being carried out, be curious why they would push for the status quo or resistant to change, the complexity and background of how we ended up here. Whether it is reading up about redlining, or reading the Color of Compromise by Jemar Tisby or local voices who have been protesting… do we wonder why we care more about that they are protesting rather than why they are protesting. Fear silences curiousity and freezes us in our natural cultural development from being our best as a community.
More importantly we need to understand why choices we don’t agree with or quick to judge get made.. what’s the back story? What’s the communal reasons that informed or lack of resources support that created the decision? What was the need that the community can do a better job to prevent such a choice? What connection needs ? What’s our choice of strict discipline reveal about our assumptions about others and are our assumptions really true?
We have this White Privilege: Now What?
1. Give yourself permission ( and others) the time and space to grieve the change/ loss white identity.. with white folk who won’t let you off hook yet will be accepting and gracious. Journal, find trusted white affinity groups, therapist. Be willing to be humble, to get uncomfortable.
2. Be willing to sit with uncomfortable truths about what you were taught about the history of the United States, about whiteness, about who others are, about systems and more. It’s ok to be wrong in order to make things right. We need to act, however it starts first with acceptance of where we are, how we got here and what are the needs of those most impacted. We need to listen, listen, listen, listen. And we can listen to what’s wrong about a system that hurt them. We can practice listening for the wisdom in their stories that can point to what needs to change or be shifted, we can listen for those truths.
When n if others share: listen listen listen listen listen.
Don’t make it about you (yet, be patient, what your role is can and there’s space to acknowledge and know and process).
Listen.
Let your humanity see their humanity..
Make it respectful so they can start to share in great bravery, feeling every note of their pain as they share their story again, hoping for a safe place to be known.
Choose to be vulnerable yourself honor theirs…. their story, their truth can be your wisdom.
Remember to be careful to never talk over or white-splain over a BIPOC person sharing their story. Doesn’t mean you can’t have an opinion… just know others don’t think less of you because you just listen so just listen.
They need a space to be angry, if I had been treated in those ways, I would be too. I might not necessarily be aware that I might be complicit to their anger. I still need to listen, whether it turns out later I am or am not the source of their anger. I need to listen and reach for radical empathy. these truths exist at the same moment: A. You are complicit and don’t need to defend, yourself, just learn the impact on others and their needs
B. You can listen, learn and make right as far as its possible for you without agreeing or disagreeing on who is the source of the anger
C. You might in a future similar moment see you are complicit and respond better. Be patient with yourself even if because of their wounding those sharing aren’t.
They don’t owe you graciousness.
Their trauma, anger isn’t done, they are on their journey. It helps me to always remember because of white privilege the cost to their anger is usually just a bad feeling for you about being white, the cost of white anger is often a death of a Black, Indigenous Person of Color.
Those risks, those impacts are NOT equivilent, because society treats white different than Black because society has conferred different social power to each. We all aspire to know we ought to be equal and getting there will take work because we aren’t there yet, we need all of use to work towards that aspiration.
D. BIPOC shouldn’t have to censure their anger, passion , pain trauma in front of you as white privileged or in white privileged centered spaces. Do you create the possibility of a safe space to listen to their anger by how you respond?
3. Try to self educate without asking your BIPOC friend to relive their pain by sharing unless it is clear that they really really want to be able to talk about it with you, and to grieve honestly and openly with you. This is nuanced, it’s different for everyone: please please please ask them the elephant in room bc u already ask them other stuff n get to know in ways beyond their racial needs or sufferings. However, there are loads of stories, videos, ted talks, books, documentaries, songs and more of those who have labored to share vulnerably the truth and the needs and the direction for change of the impact, stress, pain and trauma of racism. There are fb groups to help allies, be careful to join one that encourages growth with a mixture of meeting you where you are without shame and yet accountability to learn and grow and be challenged to do better next time.
4. Don’t assume that Black, Indigenous, People of Color means individuals or folk are broken, also don’t assume they don’t have trauma. White supremacy culture is a toxic smog we breathe in and out, saturating or bones, our ideas of others far more than we realize. Intentional push back by ourselves against this culture is the only cure because the truth is this culture gives trauma to us all.
5. Get trauma informed as much as you can. Just even knowing to take in another’s story through a trauma lense can get closer to that radical empathy. Understand there are levels of trauma, individual, individual racial, generational racial, post traumatic slavery.
6. Invite folk to hold you accountable and be humble when they do and have the same folk or other folk encourage you with mercy and compassion and empathy too.
7. Look into Restorative Practices, Restorative Justice, racial justice practices and healers/warriors. Read voices by BIPOCnauthors that challenge you.
Reflect.
Talk.
Ask many questions .
Read the following book by Fania Davis (sister to Angela Davis — Google her, an amazing story):
8. Take time for self care: for joy, for connecting, to family, to yourself, journal, tea. your favorite youTuber (Metallica for my hubby), play outside, walk in nature, listen to live music, read poetry, play an instrument, move your body to an in house dance party, sit and just be still
9. Google anti racist stater kits, other checklists, find a mentor
10. Teach your children truth of white privilege: how to grieve, how it can be used badly and what not to do, how can be used well and how to start using it. Invite them to work with you and look for what is needed.
11. Get educated on local racial needs and local needs that local leaders deny are racially impacted.
12. Find local org trusted by communities most impacted: build real relationships. Remember you aren’t there to save them! You are there to learn their needs, to earn the right to hear their stories, to empower them to be vulnerable, to be vulnerable with them and to listen for needs where with your white privilege you can make a healthy difference in a need where they are experts and their BIPOC voices are leading the policy or action changes.
13. If there are gaps in needs being addressed: consider starting up an effort where from the beginning you invite and bring community stake holders to the planning stages and aren’t telling folk what needs to be done, you are listening and using your white privilege to bring resources to the table they may not have to benefit what the community leaders decide the needs and focus can be. My role may be the facilitation of bringing those most impacted and learning to see mistakes of others (such as a prison term) as a reason for their voice to lead as they have expertise rather than another who didn’t know what is really wrong with the impact of jail. Listen to the voices of those most impacted. Gain advocacy knowledge from books, stories, videos etc on what others have done in what it means to start a group or organization or campaign.
14. Whose need are you drawn to? Follow that heart and passion: knowing you don’t have to do it all. What part of culture or life do you most want to help make more equitable? Consider your spheres of influence and the relationship network you already have: who would be willing because they trust you to begin to help you or think about helping you? And what resources or connections could this white privilege be used to benefit those most impacted for the needs you are striving to meet?
15. Sit in Circle( A Restorative Justice process) on race to get used to just listening. Find way of learning and forgiving yourself. What helps me is remembering if I don’t face my own inner pain either related to seeing the pain of white privilege used wrong to keep up racism or my own inner pain unrelated to racial needs, if I “don’t face my pain”, as in the words of Diane Raptosh (poet extraordinaire)” I must only inflict it on others.” I need to face the pain others or I caused racially. I need to face the pain of those who won’t admit to effect of racial inequity. I need to face the pain of hurting for the trauma of racism. I need to fight to keep my good humanity by seeing both the harm others do and also seeing their humanity. I can’t shame others learning, even myself. I can humbly ask for accountability and truth of harms and practice gracious space too. Part of being human is making mistakes: Do you let yourself and others make mistakes in trying to embrace and use white privilege for good in righting the wrongs of racial yoke of injustice? If you still don’t believe in white privilege, are you willing to go deeper, talk to more folk and consider if it was true, what would that mean for you?
16. Fight to stay human
Be real with the pain and anger at injustice. Learn what does it mean to stand up for oppressed and to never forget that both oppressed and oppressor are breathing in the toxic dehumanizing smog. For me to stay human means I fight to see humanity in the one harming even as I look for what brings accountability with out further re-harming or shaming or cutting off their humanity? What can or how can I use my white privilege to support those whose humanity are being denied by racist thinking, choices and weaponized use of white privilege? How can I be a bridge between the two and empower them to see one another through new eyes to see the humanity in each other? If I see them as human, that might be their shift to seeing the presence of their own humanity and seeing it could shift them to seeing humanity in others they harm instead of what they have been up to, leading to them changing shifting the culture person by person, one shift at a time.
Join me around the communal fire, drop by for a s’more or two, sing a song o f joy, a song of grief, let’s share our stories, dance closer to the truth that we have more in common then apart. Yet I can never know the pain, I can only honor and make space for you at my fire ad hope that you feel ready some day to share your truth, painful truth, that is my wisdom, that transforms me ready: willing to speak racial truth to power because my story is my truth and your story is my wisdom.
Let’s be wise together!